Barry is back and this time he’s not messing about. I’ve been reliably informed he attended a few more of his “horology” courses this month and it looks like he received/made himself a certificate or two. Grab a stiff drink, it’s time for April 2018’s film photography horoscopes.
Hallo, Barry again. I hope you enjoy this month’s horoscopes. I worked extra hard to get them right this month, even though so many of you told me (via EM) that last month’s were pretty much dead on.
Up the ziggurat lickety-split and all that. Here are my film photography horoscope predictions for March 2018.
April is the month to widen your viewfinder…literally. Go and pick up that wide-angle lens you’ve been eying up but do make sure you get a decent filter for it.
A wobbly Mercury in its retrograde quarter leads to instability and new purchases can be easily dropped. Beware of inebriated men holding bags of crispy bacon.
Your lucky metal is vibranium and your mantra for this month is “Wakanda Forever“.
Gemini’s duality made for mixed messages in my runes this month. Both sides require appeasement, therefore you must be absolutely sure to put your right shoe on first on the odd days of this coming month and your left shoe on first on the even days of this month.
A wet patch on the bathroom floor spells doom for your last roll of toilet paper and you must be wary of adjusting your aperture this month in case one of the blades falls off.
Your lucky developer is K-14 and love beckons with the equation 8×10=<3.
Last month’s long-hidden secret stayed as such, which is no bad thing let me tell you. Three candles are better than two but not as good as four candles, or fork handles if you are a gardener. This sentence describes your April perfectly. Not all of it will make sense and what does will likely be misunderstood.
The sun is in a Transit this month, which means you should be wary of buy-one-get-one-free print deals at your local lab. This is also not the time for you to shoot new black and white film.
Your lucky shoelace is red and April’s most apropos boots use velcro.
Stay at home this month, there’s nothing for you outside but beautiful fresh air and plenty of sunshine. With Jupiter Ascending, the trick is not to pay too much attention to the plot and focus on the effects, set design and Channing Tatum’s jawline.
Trust in the power of a rangefinder to give you crisp images when shot wide open. Be cautious of back focus and offers of help to scan those rolls of film hanging in the back room.
Angenieux is a word you cannot pronounce and your lucky flange focal distance is 45.7mm.
Things are tough all round following last month’s lull in motivation but don’t let that get you down. The second half of the month is going to present you with some very interesting offers at exceptionally low prices. Now is the time to stock up on darkroom chemistry and buy that Erlenmeyer flask you convinced yourself you didn’t need.
In stark contrast to March, your meaningless internet points score could reach an all-time high by the end of April. Keep in mind that points don’t mean prizes.
Your lucky camera case is the top half of a Nikon CF-23D and your lucky film is unsurprisingly Luckyfilm.
Your boots have been muddied with the indelible stain of creativity, so stop being such a Mundane Minnie (or Mike) and accept it. With Neptune setting below the horizon, blue is your colour this month and that can only mean one thing: labouring for hours on cyanotypes. Stick with it, and you’ll probably improve.
Finding that perfect accompaniment to your new photographic purchase is going to be tough. You will be rewarded if you pass it to the left, as with most of the fun things in life.
Your lucky colour is black painted brass and to get your hands on that BP action, you’ll need these lucky lotto numbers: A, B and C.
Libra, what can I say? You didn’t end last month in total balance, did you? Don’t worry, harmony is just around the corner and requires you to carry a Nikon F2AS in one hand and a Kodak Retina II in the other until at least April 18th.
Love will find you through expired traveller’s cheques and creativity is a small donkey wearing a sombrero. Stay away from grappa but embrace ouzo.
Your lucky song is Police & Thieves by Junior Murvin and your lucky phrase is “CHILLLLL WINSTON“.
Getting enough compost for this month’s gardening is important but not nearly as much as making sure you remember the Miracle Gro. A woman by the name of Gloria brings you good tidings of money but sadly she requires advance payment in the form of your most prized roll of film and two James Brown LPs. It is up to you to decide if that is a price you are willing to pay.
Venus spinning like a whirling Dervish in the seventeenth quarter of the Saturn–Tethys (Telesto) lagrange point can only mean one thing; I have my astrological charts mixed up again.
Your lucky perforation pitch is 0.1667″ and an 8-element in 5 group lens will bring you prosperity.
You stand a good chance of being tormented by a goat this month. Stay away from farms; country- and city- alike. Longer lenses are also to be avoided, so keep yourself to something that’s shorter than 102mm on 35mm equivalent.
It’s also time to declutter, which means ridding yourself of your most expensive camera gear. Please send it to me for appraisal, PO Box available on request.
Trouble in Orion’s belt means a double buckle is essential to save embarrassment. Wearing two pairs of socks with a pair of tight-fitting shoes will bring you a new understanding of the term “zoom with your feet”.
This month’s lucky clothing is a vintage Kodak t-shirt and wearing it back to front suggests a fortuitous gambling win.
Golf is the name of the game. Actually, not the game, the car – MkII specifically. Keep an eye out for one, it brings good tidings. You will need to be careful this month, as both finances and film doors are both potentially leaky. Wrap your wallet, purse and cameras in plenty of duct tape and hold out until May 4th.
Put simply: do or do not, there is no try.
A small dog carrying a soggy newspaper gives you the inspiration needed to finish that project. You know which one.
Your lucky cheese is something unpronounceably French and begins with a silent T. Your lucky battery is a 4LR44 (not four LR44s).
Hope, passion, peace. They will all abandon your photography quicker than you can say, “that cheap shutter release cable I bought on eBay has broken”. Try something new to help weather out what can only be described as a month of creative despair. May will be better and bring with it a film stock you’ve never used before.
Your lucky…no, sorry, there’s no luck in this month’s photography. Best just put the cameras away for the next 30 days.
As former UK Prime Minister Alan Rickman put it so eloquently, “this is the winter of our discontent” but fear not, he wasn’t talking about you. April is going to be a fantastic month but let’s be honest, it’s not hard considering what a shambles March was.
This is your time to shine and shake off those blues. Get out there, rip up those parking tickets and throw caution – and spent 35mm canisters – to the wind!
Your lucky camera is well, anything. Seriously. Your lucky ice cream is a chocolate covered star fruit.
Do let me know how you get on. It’s always nice to hear back from you all.
See you next time,
~ Barry “Stardust” Gibb
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