I’d like formally to introduce you all to Barry “Stardust” Gibb, EMULSIVE’s brand new horoscope writer, or as we know him here, our horoscope-ologist. …thinking about it, that name might not stick.
You may have already seen Barry’s film photography zodiac guide, with full descriptions of each of the traditional Western zodiac signs given a film photography flavour and assigned a specific camera. The process of matching up these ancient behavioural and personality traits took many, many minutes of effort; and Barry brings with him literally weeks of training in what he will happily tell anyone is the art of horology.
All I can say is that with the recent addition of Benice as EMULSIVE’s agony aunt, I’m encouraged by what seems to be a new direction for EMULSIVE – the realm of the Sunday tabloid.
Keep an eye out for print-and-exchange coupons for your favourite off-brand goods at your local supermarket in March and a new pointless kitchen gadget section coming in April.
Hallo, I’m Barry, although most people just call me Stardust, or Baz. I’m from Wales, love London Pride, the George Cross, pork scratchings and Corrie. I don’t love spicy food, the Dutch and cold Gregg’s. Everything in between is a negotiation as my dad used to say.
I have been a practicing horologist since January 2018 and would like to thank EM for giving me this opportunity to demonstrate what people call “an uncanny talent”.
Here are my film photography horoscope predictions for March 2018:
An emotional conflict can lead to interpersonal dissonance this month. The anger you feel at a colleague’s dismissal of film photography as a hipster fad will lead to tension in the workplace.
With the your primary star in the northern quadrant and the moon tilted to the left it’s your time to shine…and push Geoff in the canal on his way home from work.
Your lucky lotto number is 5.346, and 18ft is your lucky focus distance.
It’s time to start a new project and branch out into unfamiliar territory. You may feel like you’ve already explored every aspect of photography, but a surprise reuniting with an old school friend will lead to adventure, inspiration and possible death at the hands of cannibals.
A large frog in your village pond tells us an exhibition of you work is almost certain, but until we see which way he hops there’s no way of knowing if it will be posthumous.
Your lucky material is corduroy, and a 400mm lens is the winning choice in a fight.
A long-hidden secret will finally be revealed to you this month, but you won’t like what you discover. Someone close to you has been applying filters to digital images and passing them off as film shots. This will rock you to your core.
A dip in Saturn’s self esteem sees you finding the strength to do what needs to be done, and Mercury’s cosmic indifference indicates you getting to keep the dog in the divorce settlement.
Your lucky ISO is 5, and your lucky emoticon is winky face.
Travel will lead to a boost in your popularity and self confidence this month. The Pentax SP1000 slung over your shoulder will draw the attention of desirable others, who will assume your love of old things extends to an understanding of how a fax machine works at a conference centre in Londonderry.
Be true to yourself, and trust in your ability to push the right buttons; you can do this. Still, despite your best efforts none of these people will sleep with you.
XTol is your lucky developer, and a dog is a man’s best friend.
Motivation will be hard to come by this month. A lack of self belief is holding you back and you find it hard to shake the feeling that your work is not liked…largely because of the numerous people expressing disgust towards your pictures.
Sometimes to go forwards you must step backwards, and sometimes you just shouldn’t shoot glamour pictures in a busy abattoir.
Your lucky camera is a Yashica T4, and your luck offal is Liver.
You are on the brink of an epiphany that will lead you down an unexpected path. Friends and family may try to steer you away from it, but in the end all roads lead to buying a large format camera.
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A positive outlook will stand you in good stead as we catch a fleeting glance of Uranus late Saturday night, and the signs are good for an easily found Osteopath.
Ballroom Blitz by Sweet is the music of the night, and beware of left handed bus drivers.
It’s time to splash out this month and get that treat you’ve been promising yourself for weeks. A jubilant sunrise over Montego Bay is a great sign that it’s now or never to jump on board the Leica train.
Those closest to you may be upset by your actions, but believe in yourself, and in the end they’ll realise the value of the images you create will far outweigh any holiday you may have promised them.
Your lucky colour is black and white, and your lucky emotion is despair.
You will meet a stocky, bearded man this month. He will offer to repair your camera, even though you aren’t aware that it’s broken.
Luminous heliocity in the third hoop lends credence to his claims, and if you give in to his request you are at far less risk of harm. The camera you get back will be yours, but the shot roll of film inside will not.
A clown means there’s a high chance of comical rain, and if they try to make you go to rehab, you should say no, no, no.
A dog will be very angry with you this month. It might not be expressed outwardly, but inside there will be simmering with resentment towards you.
March is a great time for you to look for love, although a waxing Mars means any chance of happiness is slim to none, unless you can find that happiness scanning in negatives and eating Doritos.
2400 is your lucky DPI, and yellow is your lucky filter colour.
As the general bitterness that derives from having an early birthday fades away you’ll find new energy this month, and a strong urge to make a meaningful connection with somebody, so this is your month for street photography.
Mercury’s erratic path means most people will reject your attempts at portraiture with hostility, however a bulging Neptune in the second half of the month indicates success can be found with a man called “Tony”. Not Anthony: Tony.
Your lucky shutter speed is 1/60, and Stilton is your lucky smell.
You’ll have a deep feeling of ennui this month, and a desire to take nothing but wistful pinhole pictures. People may want to challenge your choices, but you should stay true to your inner misanthrope and tell them to just piss off.
A farmer may point a shotgun at you, but the inward bound passage of Jupiter’s third largest moon means he is unlikely to fire.
Your lucky film is Lucky, and “Quack” is the animal sound that means a big payout is likely.
It’s time to take life by the horns and make that decision you’ve been putting off. Ignore the naysayers and have faith in yourself, as a highly ascendant Pluto means there’s never been a better time to quit your well paid job and set yourself up as a passport photographer.
Socks will play a prominent role for you this month.
Your lucky film is Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, and don’t worry nobody saw what you did last summer.
Thank you very much for reading and please remember that many variables come together to make these predictions. It’s a bit like making a mechanical watch.
April’s horoscope will be out on March 31st.
~ Barry “Stardust” Gibb
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