Hallo everyone. I’m sorry for being late this month. I managed to get a second gig for the local paper and they’re paying me, so EM can cry all he wants, that comes first.
Your monthly zen follows below.
Hallo CRABBIES. July is going to be an intense month. We’ve got solar eclipses, lunar eclipses, eclipses of the heart and you’re finally going to find that battery cover you’ve been looking for.
Put a big fat ring around the 5th of July and make sure you have your biggest, fattest camera with you that day – it has the potential to be a big one. Well, had, sorry. I understand this month’s horoscope is a little late. There’s always next year.
Your lucky camera is a Mamiya Marshal Press and your lucky lens is the Hasselblad XCD 21mm f/4. Send it over when you’re done.
Careful of being an egotistical so-and-so at the beginning of the month but feel free to return to normal form any time after the 8th.
July brings you unlimited photographic energy, especially when you’re down the car boot looking for knock-off beer mats and “deals”. Keep your eye on the prize: one award-winning photograph of a couple arguing about whether or not they should really sell aunt Bev’s silver service.
This month’s lucky camera is the Homer No.1 and your lucky film is Kodak Royal 100.
Use this month to make decisions. Anything from those big ones, “should I buy that Leica?”. …to the small ones, “what film should I put in my new Leica?”. Ones you’ve been putting off for weeks, “how am I going to explain the absence of the holiday money to my partner?”. Even fresh ones, “where am I going to sleep tonight?”
Now is the time to tackle them all.
With Jupiter Ascending showing weak at best, it looks like approximately 75% of the decisions you make will be poor ones, but at least you’ll have them out the way and can move on with your life.
Assuming that none of the decisions you’ve made result in life ending consequences, your lucky Dog this month is Clifford, and last Tuesday was the day for romantic gestures.
Spending some time alone this month will be good for you. Somewhere in the region of 28 days should about cover it. This alone time (naked or not), will give you space to reflect on your choices for the year ahead.
Should you make hard cheese or soft cheese your bedtime snack of choice? Is it red or green that should never be seen? These and many more important choices will define the remaining six months of the year, so make them count.
This month’s lucky talcum powder is made by Johnson and Johnson’s and your lucky AM radio frequency is 1148.
Good fortune will come to you in the guise of a friendly stranger. You may first have concerns about the over-familiar nature of this new acquaintance, concerns which will rapidly become worries as they insinuate themselves deeper and deeper into your life.
Before you know it, however, these worries will pass, and all you’ll be left with is a deep fear for the safety of yourself and your loved ones. On the bright side, the intense searching for the keys to your window locks will unearth both that lens cap you thought you’d lost AND a spare shutter release cable – HUZZAH!
Your lucky artist is Goya and your lucky filters are made by Hoya
Mining your nose and leaving the green bits under things is never a good idea, as this month’s vet bill demonstrates. Turn a new leaf and use a tissue instead. On the bright side, you don’t eat it any more, so there’s that.
This month beings intrigue and mystery when you find a wooden leg on the street – not one of those swanky new Titanium ones mind you, honest to goodness wood. The object can help bring you fame as your defacto studio subject from now until you discover it’s infested by termites and throw it out.
This month’s lucky garden centre purchase is a half weight of nematodes and your lucky temperature 16°C (61°F).
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You’ll feel at peace with your art this month. No longer will doubts plague you, your deep-seated neuroses stifle your creativity, or your utter lack of self-confidence hold you back.
Capitalise on this unexplained yet very welcome period of calm and tranquillity to get out and shoot like you’ve never shot before. The inner peace will last until you begin sharing your new work, at which point all insecurities will return, no matter how good the feedback you get is.
Your lucky dip this month is sour cream and chive, and listen out for the phrase “You don’t get many of them to the pound!” to be in with a chance of getting sexually harassed.
Take a trip to the home of Dixie this month and the rest of your year will seem like a six-month low in comparison.
Jumping to larger formats seems to be in the air, although I’m not really sure what that means for you 8×10 shooters. Maybe 110? Whatever happens, the runes are telling me you’ll have fun, even if only for a short while.
Bread brings you joy this month, especially freshly baked baguette – you know, the kind that’s still warm to the touch on a Sunday morning at Tesco. Fill up!
This month’s lucky spread is mayonnaise and your lucky cured mead is oak-aged Canadian turkey bacon (made in Spain).
July is a great month to take up a new sport. The hot weather inevitably leads to a lot of people wearing fewer and fewer items of clothing, which equally inevitably leads to a sense of “could do better” about your own figure. Yes, even you, Chris.
Try running, cycling, swimming, whatever seems least painful, then once you’ve come to the conclusion that maybe exercise just isn’t for you, buy yourself a fast telephoto lens and use it to take pictures of all the people that sports are for. At least you’ll be on your feet, and lifting that lens around might help banish the bingo wings and fatty liver.
Speaking of liver, that’s this month’s lucky meat and your lucky wine is a glass of Chianti.
For all your attempts, that flash modifier and blue “candle” from IKEA is not going to win you National Geographic’s prize for still life photography. I hate to break it to you but that category doesn’t even exist. You’d have a better chance of getting a medical doctorate in six months whilst studying for your final Julliard recital.
Give it up and instead, try to focus on that failed macro project of Romaine lettuce. There’s gold there.
Your lucky number is 2.3454 repeating, and the mullet is both your lucky fish and haircut.
You’ll need to keep an ear to the ground and make sure you don’t miss those Taylor Swift tickets the minute they go on sale. You don’t need to act surprised, everyone knows. Accept, embrace, and move on.
As you’ll be asked not to bring a “professional” camera with you, confuse everyone by bringing your Hasselblad with that 500mm f/8 you’ve been after. Don’t worry about being spotted by security, they’ll just think it’s a drainpipe.
This month’s lucky month is December and if you feel like you’ve been here before, just shake it off, shake it off.
Hallo again, Gems. Let me tell you a secret: you’re my favourites. It must be something with your duality. Or maybe your finickiness. Probably the latter.
This month’s astral alignment does absolutely nothing, so don’t worry about all that conjunction, third quarter and astral projection stuff this month. You can literally do no wrong, so take advantage of this funny conjugation and shoot that film you’ve always been scared of – the infrared, that slow tungsten slide film, that…….roll of Agfa Vista.
This month’s lucky Pound note had a five on is and your lucky confection is a vintage Kinder Egg, complete with a never-opened Papa Smurf figurine. Enjoy!
Hoping I’ve nailed it this month. Do let me know how well.
~ Barry “Stardust” Gibb
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OMG! I never used to believe in astrology but you totally nailed it. Also, this is the first time I’ve ever typed OMG.